I’d asked Olive exactly what she meant and she told me, “I take an Ambien and get really knocked out, like, really out. I don’t wake up on that ...hit. Like, I don’t even move. Can’t move, I think. So, I’ll be all out of it, and then you fuck my ass really hard, like, so hard you think it hurts. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll be super sore and know you did it, like, really did it.”I had stared at her, open-mouthed, unable to understand why anyone would want that. Who wanted to feel helpless. I put them in small box in the back of my mind, in an area where only God and I knew about them, and put a lid on the box. If I wanted to keep my job and continue to have the respect of my peers, I couldn’t share my feelings and I could not allow others to know they existed. It was truly a battle of sorts, wanting to express my feelings openly and having to suppress them at the same time. After two years in my position, and having traveled over large portions of the United States with music. More

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