And it was not missed on Brenda. It was as if they were two best friends chatting and laughing as they prepared our meal. We all sat down at the table...for our first home meal together. Except for all three of us being naked, anyone looking in would see us as a "normal" family.After we ate, I offered to clean up. Beth and Brenda headed out to the hot tub with a fresh bottle of wine. There was still plenty of daylight left. When I finally joined them, they were both talking and laughing about. I wanted to feed off self-loathing. In my mind, it made my husband a better man. Plus, this way I can control fixing it all. I can somehow make this about me, instead of the reality, which was it had nothing to do with me. By making it somehow my fault that my husband didn’t want me, I could avoid the truth. The truth I couldn’t bare. I had been shut out of the romance in my husband’s life. Somehow I had to get myself out of that dark place. I hopped in the bath and shook my head to knock some. More

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