I fumbled for the toilet seat, lifted it, undid my jeans, and pushed them down. Steadying myself on the wall, I sat, and let flow.My pee smelled and s...ung. I peed a lot. Dehydration. Drink water dummy.And then I was like, Why? I was supposed to be dead. Peace and quiet and dead. Why couldn't I be dead? I couldn't even kill myself successfully, not even with pills and a bridge to jump off of. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. I felt tears tickle the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want. ..”Before he finished, I turned back to the man, wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to me. All I had needed was permission. This dark taboo had burned inside me since I was a small child, fascinated with the African-American people surrounding me growing up in my bigoted home and community. The supposed wrongness of it had tempted me, the fear of my father had kept me from acting. My father was nowhere near, and my husband gave me his blessing. I believed he wanted this to happen, I was. More

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