My message at their joint funeral was emotional for me, and I let myself show my human side, while holding in check my determination to hunt down and ...estroy those responsible. Rick and Jack were busy building my new inner circle, and I was appointing people to key positions, who embodied my concept of loyalty, strength, and commitment.Once we were fully operational, I suspected that those responsible would have a very short life expectancy. My dreams were full of plots, violence, rabbit trails. If I did try cocaine or heroine, I’d probably be hooked. I’ve cheated so much and lied so much about it that I can’t stop lying. Even while I’m doing it, I think to myself that I want to STOP, and I can’t even stop because I’m so mired down in it all that I couldn’t climb back up, no matter how much I want to. I’m spontaneous to the extreme, and that makes it all worse. I know where to go to get what I want, but if I can’t get it there, I keep going. I keep pushing and asking and looking until. More

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