I realised at the last minute that I’d forgotten to bring any hair bands, and wasted several minutes on a fruitless search of my bag before deciding...that I was just going to have to accept that this was not my day, and go in with my long hair loose. The pool was virtually empty, just an elderly couple ploughing a steady and dignified course up and down the slow lane. I dropped into the one reserved for faster swimmers, donned my goggles, and concentrated on getting in my twenty lengths. By the. The managerexplained that the girl who got the loudest cheerswould win and introduced the first contestant. Thefirst two girls to take part were both English, andacted exactly as my barman friend described, totallylackluster performances ending up with their littlethongs still in place.They were followed by a very butch Dutch girl who useda large black dildo as a prop. She would have donewell, except that most of the male clubbers knew thatshe was a dyke, because they had seen her round. More

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