"That was grea,t" I toldher."Mmm-mmm," she said. "What got in to you? You're like a whole differentperson today."It hit me again that I was not me, I ...as John, and she saw me as John. Isuddenly felt terrible."Yeah, I was just feeling like something different," I told her.She looked at me funny and slid off of me. Lying next to me she said"What's really going on?" What do you mean?" I asked, starting to get a little nervous. Ilaughed.Her eyes went wide and she got out of bed, standing there. After a time, I got up and fixed us a drink, whiskey on the rocks, just as I know my dad would have done following bad news. We talked quietly about the whole thing and had some more drinks. It was well into the night when we each decided to get to bed.I never even changed out of my trunks and t-shirt. I just sat on the edge of my bed in shock. Thoughts swirled in my drunken head, thoughts of self-pity, regret, and sorrow for my now widowed mother. She was still so young and beautiful, her. More

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