She turned me around to look me in the eye, and quietly told me exactly how things would go. ‘I’ll be here tonight, and we’ll talk further. I mi...ht dance with others, but tonight I want to talk with you. When you have a break, I’ll be waiting for you. Will you talk to me?’ Her eyes drew me in, threw me up against the wall, and broke my will. I shook my head and muttered, ‘Fine. Catch me at first break.’ After a first set that I would consider average, but everyone else seemed to enjoy, I headed. Every time she said that, what it really meant was give me what I want, or Ill make you wish you had. This time, instead of images of a belt drawing blood across my skin, her words conjured images of me screaming and flailing on the living room floor, invisible hands holding me down, the heat of other bodies scalding me in the darkness, forcing me to feel a pleasure I was ashamed to feel. If sex is pleasure and abuse is pain, then rape is a turmoil that makes me desire punishment. I knew what. More

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